


The Choirboy's Tale

by janiejanine



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Crack, Kink Meme, M/M, Poetry, Quest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-17
Updated: 2012-02-17
Packaged: 2017-10-31 08:36:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/342070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janiejanine/pseuds/janiejanine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the "Castle Anthrax" sketch from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Sebastian goes on a quest and comes to a castle full of desire demons. Hawke & co. rescue him. Then they have an orgy. Poetry and pure crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Choirboy's Tale

**Author's Note:**

> Kinkmeme prompt:
> 
> This can be a very sexy fill or total crack. Your pick.
> 
> Ser Sebastian, the chaste, went off to seek the holy grail (the original sword of mercy? andraste's ashes in a cup?) at King Hawke's behest. He travelled far and wide (you don't have to write this, just gloss over it, unless he runs into the silly knights of icky-icky-icky-icky-kapang-zoop-boing which would be hilarious) and finally saw the holy relic above Castle Anthrax (the gallows? kinloch hold?) where beatiful, handsome, and scantily clad disguised desire demons offer to let him spank them - oh, how we have SINNED you must purify us - followed by the oral sex, along with ...other things.
> 
> Then Hawke and company busts in for a rescue, knights of the round table style, and sees that the desire demons took on the forms of pretty much everyone in the party, because that's what Seb wants. They coax him away from the demons - or kill them or drive them away or even better, out-kink them - and have their way with him because, well, better fulfill his desires than let poor Seb fall to demons. Yah.
> 
> If it's funny, let them break into song. Because what's MP without silly songs?  
> The entire tale told in the style of "Brave Sir Robin" would be EPIC.

In the land of Thedas lay the kingdom of Kirkwall,  
Ruled by King Hawke, bold, strong and tall,  
Mighty of beard and pure of heart.  
One day to his advisors he did impart  
News of the true Sword of Mercy, once blessed  
By Andraste herself. "There must be a quest,"  
Said the king. "Only the best knight will do.  
Fetch me the one who's the most brave and true."  
So the king's messengers moved with haste  
To fetch the king's greatest knight, Ser Sebastian the Chaste.  
Noble was his brow and bright blue his eye.  
In his wake many a maiden did sigh,  
But for them he spared nary a glance.  
Naught but a prayer ever stirred in his pants.  
"I accept this quest, for His Grace the King,"  
Said Ser Sebastian. "I'll have it by spring."  
With his swift steed he searched far and wide  
Fighting off monsters without breaking his stride.  
From the depths of the Blackmarsh to the home of the three  
Knights whose former war cry of "Ni!"  
Became "Ecky-ecky-ecky-ptang-zoop-boing,"  
And whose love for plants was damned annoying.  
Onward he rode, over mountain, hill and dale,  
Until one glorious day in the pale  
Light of the morning there came a sign.  
A vision appeared over a forest of pine:  
A great sword, suspended in the air,  
Hung over a castle above a great stair.  
"Forward!" he cried, and furiously spurred  
His horse up the mountain, swift as a bird.  
He reached the gate and jumped the fence,  
Knocked on the door and demanded entrance.  
When the door was opened with a heaving pull,  
He saw with surprise that the castle was full  
Of men and women, humans and elves,  
Talking and giggling amongst themselves.  
"Who here is in charge of this castle?"  
Sebastian asked. "I. The rest are just vassals,"  
Replied the tallest man of all.  
"Thank the Maker you've come to our hall  
For we've a problem here within;  
All of us are steeped in sin,  
And to you we must confess,  
And then you must our curst souls bless,  
And our punishment devise.  
All of us you must chastise.  
And lest we feel the Maker's lack,  
Then our bottoms you must smack."  
"I can't do that!" Sebastian cried.  
"I'm chaste, my vows I won't deride."  
But it seemed they knew just what he needed,  
For prettily they begged and pleaded.  
"O brave Ser Knight! We are so lonely.  
We ask of you a spanking only.  
And then, perhaps, the oral sex?  
We aim to please in all respects."  
Sebastian paused, unsure of this.  
Thought he, "What harm comes of one small kiss?"  
"Serah," he said, "I am at your whim."  
At that, the nubile citizens fell upon him.  
In a trice they'd all disrobed.  
With lips and hands his form they probed  
With rubbing, licking, stroking and kissing.  
"Sweet Maker," he thought, "is _this_ what I've been missing?"  
Just when he thought he could take no more,  
A great crash sounded outside of the door.  
It flew open and five people burst through,  
Good King Hawke and his most trusted retinue:  
Ser Merrill the Gentle, Ser Fenris the Haughty,  
Ser Aveline the Brave, and Ser Isabela the Naughty.  
"We've come to save you!" the king proclaimed.  
"Stay back, demons, our weapons are aimed."  
Then came the dulcet tones of Ser Merrill.  
"Come with us, Sebastian, you're in great peril!"  
"There is no peril! I'm perfectly fine,"  
Sebastian said with a panicked whine.  
But wise Ser Fenris wasn't fooled,  
And Sebastian's claim he overruled.  
"Begone, foul creatures! You'll never have him.  
Corruption fills this place to the brim.  
But enough of words." They drew blades instead,  
And in the space of a moment the demons lay dead.  
"They looked just like us!" cried good King Hawke.  
"Maker's breath, your Majesty. You've a massive cock,"  
Said Ser Isabela, stating the obvious.  
Said Ser Aveline, "This scene is opprobrious."  
Said Ser Fenris, "Let's away from this place."  
But Isabela had a knowing look on her face.  
Said she, "We can't let Sebastian fall prey to demons.  
I have a few tricks that I learned from some seamen  
And I daresay the rest of you have some too.  
Why not show him what we can do?  
It seems the best way to work out his issues.  
Or he'll do it alone with some lotion and tissues."  
"She speaks the truth," King Hawke mused,  
"The demons have him most confused.  
To regain our comrade's sensibilities  
We'll have to share our base proclivities.  
Heavy risk, but worth the prize."  
And before Sebastian's amazed eyes  
The king and his fellows removed their clothes  
And upward the king's mighty staff rose.  
Truly it was a wonderment,  
And lo, Sebastian's trousers did tent  
To see his sovereign laid so bare  
With a wicked grin beyond compare  
And with a leer of such lechery  
That promised hours of debauchery.  
"Kneel before your king," he said.  
Sebastian knelt and bowed his head.  
The others stripped his armor away  
Leaving him as bare as the day  
He was born. "Perfect," said the king.  
"Merrill, I need you to do that lube thing."  
Ser Merrill stepped up, her fingers greased,  
And at his entrance her hands did tease.  
"And now I require total submission.  
Ser Sebastian, please assume the position!"  
The companions cheered and followed along.  
Their orgy will live in legend and song.  
With Sebastian each one took his turn,  
Yet for each other they still did yearn.  
Round and round the group intertwined,  
In every way they could think to combine.  
They writhed and moaned in the knot they'd created  
And did not stop until all were sated.  
They lay panting upon a cloak  
All in a pile. Then Sebastian spoke.  
"Your Grace, one matter has come to the fore.  
I fear my title suits me no more."  
King Hawke agreed. "You're no longer chaste.  
You need something better for what you've faced.  
Bold is too common, Valiant too meager.  
I hereby dub thee Ser Sebastian the Eager!"  
Sebastian knelt and kissed his hand,  
Then rode away with his merry band.  
They celebrated with barrels of ale.  
And by the Grace of the Maker, thus ends our tale.


End file.
